Outgoing & Shy Personalities in Relationships | Our Everyday Life
I think shy guys are defined as being rather introverted. In terms of what they think of your looks, it's just like any other guy (maybe a little more desperate). However, the problem may not be shyness at all, but the basic personality difference between introverts and extroverts. "Psychology Today" defines an introvert as a person who finds interacting with other people to be tiring but who finds solitude energizing and refreshing. Introvert-extrovert relationships can be wonderful and satisfying, but they by large groups of people), while I tend to be much more outgoing.
No one is completely an introvert or extrovert There are varying degrees of both. Others say if both are the same, then harmony is achieved.
Introverts These are people who prefer their own company rather than socializing with others. They love staying home and draw energy from their own thoughts and creativity. They can be big readers, are rather passive and private, think about the future rather than the present, prefer indoor activities instead of outdoor and prefer talking with people they know versus meeting new ones.
They dislike talking on the phone, find small talk cumbersome and keep communication with others to a minimum unless their job demands it. They usually excel in jobs like accounting and technology or creative occupations where they can work alone. However, they can be good leaders. Introverts can be difficult to know well because they allow very few inside their inner circles. Many are rather shy and reserved to certain degrees. Gaining their trust and getting them to communicate on a regular basis or go out often are just a few because interacting with others can be very draining.
The two of you are different, and that's okay. What's not okay is your view that your way of doing things is the right way and hers is the wrong way. You say that you're "absolutely unwilling to change" your desire for constant stimulation from other people and that you want her to "overcome" her "mostly-negative" desire for quiet time free of social activity.
That's not a sustainable relationship. You need to decide whether you can love her actual personality rather than the hypothetical personality you think she should work towards having.
Both sides have to view this as a problem, want to fix it and make and effort to do so. Two nights a week go be extroverted. Two nights you go be introverted.
Two nights a week go solo with friends. Flip for the seventh. Like any couple problem, you work together on it and find a compromise that pleases you both. I think if you are out having a solo social life, and simultaneously you think of her shyness as something that bothers you, you might end up cheating at some point. As an introverted female, when I've dated extroverted guys it often ended up that way.
I didn't want to go out to bars and parties, they did, and they ended up meeting other girls who were more like them. I ended up an introverted guy for this reason. Don't settle for someone who doesn't have the basic things that are important to you.
It's not fair to you or her. If this problem was something that could be overcome, you'd appear more concerned about how she's feeling in a social setting. I'm an introvert with an extroverted spouse and though he thrives on being around people, he also cares deeply for how I'm doing and puts his need to socialize on the backburner if he's worried that I'm uncomfortable. I do my best to socialize if it appears to make him happy, and he does his best to tone it back if it appears to make me happy.
However, just remember you may not be a social butterfly forever.
Outgoing & Shy Personalities in Relationships
What are your ages? Values regarding friends and social activities can change dramatically. Personally, I became much more of a homebody over the years.
When we go to events or social occasions, I make a big effort to introduce him to people, point out similar interests, etc. He's not going to tell jokes to 40 people at once, but he does start chatting--he doesn't sit there, waiting for me to carry the whole social load. While we didn't make an explicit deal about this, it's worked out over the years. It would be ungracious of him to be stone silent, and it would be rude of me to leave him to fend for himself.RELATIONSHIPS FOR SHY PEOPLE - #DEARHUNTER
It's got to be a team effort. I forgot that if you ask people for advice, they'll often tell you to quit your job, leave your girlfriend, start a new business, and travel the world. Because they don't have to deal with any of the consequences.
Maybe this question is unbalanced a bit. Anyway, if I could request anything of future commenters, I'd say maybe a little less of "you sound like a jerk, break up with her", and maybe a little more of "I was in this situation and we did this" And please do realize that I love this woman.
I really do not want to break up with her. My husband is extremely introverted. We've been together for sixteen and a half years. The most important thing I can tell you right now is to absolutely ruthlessly root out any sense that shyness or introversion is a character flaw or something to be overcome. It is a fundamental part of who your partner is. If you can't or are unwilling to love this part of her as much as you love the rest of her, you need to move on, because nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone who is waiting for them to get over their personality.
If you stay with this person, then a major part of your relationship is going to be you going out while she stays home, and you entertaining friends in the living room while she reads a book in the bedroom. Examples are illustrative, not predictive.
This is not because she is uncomfortable and resentful, it is because that's what she wants to be doing and it makes her happy. If you need someone who is going to be happy going out with you and doing the things that you do, then this woman is not that person, and expecting her to be will only lead to heartache.
I love my introverted husband. I love him because he's an introvert, not despite it, though. You need to be able to do the same for this to work out. The reason everyone is telling you to break up with her is because you seem to want a different answer than that.
These days I'm with someone who is still much more extroverted than I am, but not to the extent that my ex was, and we do make it work. It takes a good mix of him going out alone sometimes, me sucking it up and being social sometimes, and planning ahead so we both know we're going to a party Friday and I'm therefore going to be drained and not up to socializing the rest of the weekend.
And both of us realizing the other person's thing is not negative or wrong, just a different way of interfacing with the world. If you hadn't framed this with the negative personality trait stuff I'd be heartily encouraging you to keep talking it out and working on compromises. But the way you talk about her makes me hesitant. Good luck, however this ends up. If you do want to give this relationship a go, this is where to focus your attention.
Not on her and why she needs to change or you need to leavebut on you. With compassionate curiosity, look more deeply into your own reactions. What emotions and stories come up when she is being quiet in a group of your friends? What do those emotions remind you of? What do you fear will happen? What are you making it mean? As an extrovert, one of your "character flaws" may be a lack of tendency to look inward, to witness and reflect on your own interior monologue.
In other words, you might not know what you think until you hear what you say. I am an extrovert, and this happens to me all the time. Talking with a counselor or a trusted friend can help in this process. Then accept, without resentment, that she may never be able to fulfill your social expectations without likely a lot of personal stress and emotional upset.
Discuss with her everything you've mentioned here and try to reach a compromise. I don't think you're a jerk, I just think you are perhaps lacking a true understanding of how utterly fucking exhausting it is for introverts to be frequently put into social situations that they find stressful, and then face questioning about their already uncomfortable feelings afterwards.
You obviously have empathy for your girlfriend's situation, so can you try to imagine how awkward it must have been for HER?
Although I can tell you what it will tell you, it's really really worth the read. I don't know why I even bother answering these kinds of questions with my own opinion when she has done it so much better. Things have never worked out between me and an extroverted partner.
I'm getting the "this guy is likely to stray" vibes from you and I really feel that you two should call it quits. After 10 years together, I've learned that if I need to socialize, a lot of that socialization is going to happen without my husband. We have some mutual friends, but I have lots of friends that I see on my own. She's not gonna change. Is the above something that is okay with you? We do pretty well because--and this is key--my ideal life does not include an extroverted partner.
That's the problem here. Not her introversion, but the fact that your ideal life includes a partner who can be a social butterfly with you. I'm sorry this is so hard.
Her experience, mindset, and preferences are valid. She doesn't need fixing. What an extrovert like you needs to do in this situation is think through what you want and be realistic about whether this relationship can be that for you. It's okay if the answer is no. If the answer is yes, you need to figure out how to accept what you view as her limitations and not call her out on them or get upset about them. She has chosen to go with you, to do something you enjoy. If she was really, truly miserable at an event, I'm assuming she could leave.
Give her more permission to be be herself, and don't spend so much time monitoring her social engagement. By all mean, check in with her, make sure you talk to her and stand near her often in a social situation but don't obsess about how much she is talking. Simply enjoy that she came to the event with you.
I'm an introvert who was in a relationship for many years with an extrovert. He always had to be at every party and was always the last person to leave the bar at closing. Trying to keep up with him was exhausting for me. It worked well for a while when I could come and go as I pleased - go home before him and so on.
However, things started to fall apart because he had no interest in the small dinners with friends that I wanted, and he also started to feel that I didn't "support" him enough socially. On the other hand, I felt like he was a black hole of social need and nothing I did would ever be enough. It all ended badly, with him cheating with late night party girls, as permiechickie points out is a risk.
I guess they were more supportive? Learn how to direct the flow of conversation so that she has things to add, or comment on; figure out which of your friends she has the most in common with, attempt to get them talking. If this means finding people with whom she has things in common, and then essentially starting a conversation for them, do it.
I hate when people do this to me. I can get over my shyness once I've become comfortable somewhere or with a certain group of people, but if I'm left to myself right away I will miserable. If she can handle hanging out in small groups, do that more often, or manufacture a situation in which people are more inclined to splinter into groups like this.
I can feel a million kinds of awkward in someone else's home, but if I have people over it's like a base level of comfort that makes it easier to talk and interact. She seems great for you in a lot of ways - awesome.
She is never, ever going to be the social butterfly you think you want. That is what other people your friends are going to be for. Putting less emphasis on dragging her along everywhere you go might help you appreciate the times she is willing to come out and socialize. This is a tricky dynamic to navigate, I would suggest giving it some time to see if it can work, but if you're having these same thoughts in, say, 6 months, it may be time to throw in the towel.
I also made some concessions with him, since I knew he'd only be willing to socialize for a few hours at most. I'd get dropped off at a party and enjoy myself for the busiest parts of the night, and then when things started to wind down I'd call him for a ride and he'd spend an hour in the drunk and funny-to-watch diminishing crowd, talking to the few sober people left, and then we'd leave. Knowing he only had to last an hour or so, he was a lot better with putting on a social persona as best as he could manage and when he was done we left.
Knowing about the party a few days in advance and knowing I'd only ask that of him that weekend, he was more willing to try and stretch his limits. He liked how proud and happy I was for him to make that effort for me. We didn't break up because of his introversion, but I am dating someone now who's far more extroverted than I am I had no idea that's possible!
And the shoe's on the other foot, I get worn out before he does in huge crowds of people I barely know. So I've applied what I learned from the ex, and it's been working for us. We were to the point of nearly breaking up because I'm more introverted than he is.
Shy or Outgoing? The Challenges With Dating Your Opposite
My job and school require most of my social energy, so when he wanted to go to another party where I'd know one or two people at best, I had a bit of a breakdown. We spent a weekend talking about our different social needs, and we've readjusted, and have a lot of ways to accommodate each other.
It does require both of us to compromise. But we make it work because we love each other and want the other to be happy and comfortable. Here are some of the things we agreed on: We have a time limit on how long we're going to stay at parties. Part of my dread of parties was that we'd go at eight and stay until four, and I just don't have that in me. So we agree on a time, and at that time I can say whether I stay or go. If I want to leave, he doesn't have to; he usually does, though. He manipulates the heck out of me in the best way possible.
He talks up individual people to me, and says how much they want to talk to me about X. He mentions that so-and-so is really looking forward to meeting me. He steers conversations toward things that I care about. He gives me background on people so I can ask them about things. He makes it as easy as possible for me to talk with his friends. He's very attentive and inclusive when we're at parties together, so I don't ever feel like he's abandoned me.
We have and use a rescue-me signal. Shyness Introverts and shy people can both find socializing difficult, but not necessarily for the same reasons. An introvert can also be shy, and many are, but many introverts aren't shy at all. They just don't find it pleasant to socialize too much, and doing so can drain them of all their emotional energy. Shyness is usually an emotionally painful experience for the person experiencing it, but introverts are often perfectly happy people as long as they get enough quiet time.
Shy Extrovert or True Introvert It's possible for the same person to be both shy and extroverted. Plenty of people crave company and want to be out doing things and having fun, yet find it hard because of their fear of doing or saying the wrong thing and being judged by other people.