Sep 26, Moreover, I don't consider ending a relationship to be a “failure” as Getting along is about ease in aligning strategies, it's not about needs. Nov 7, KeyBank relationship rewards cost $30 annually, so we recommended people opt out of it when doing KeyBank checking bonuses anyway. Sep 1, Since the credit-card rewards arms race ramped up a couple of years ago Customers with no obvious credit black marks or rules violations were and a more than decade-long Chase credit-card relationship said Chase refused to was targeting churners, the rewards party could be coming to an end.
If I look at myself as an example, I happen to often have strategies for getting my needs met that are different from most people around me, even though I have the exact same set of needs that others have. My preferred strategies are unlikely to change just because I am learning a different way of thinking and speaking.
To be clear, I am not referring only, or even primarily, to intimate relationships; I mean human relationships of all kinds, with co-workers, friends, housemates, clients, vendors, or neighbors. If we take to heart this deep insight about the distinction between the two, then we can embrace the conclusion that conflict is also about strategies, not about needs.
Embracing Conflict in Relationships Since I started sharing the insights of NVC with others inI have been wondering what it is that makes it so challenging for people to choose to welcome conflict. I can think of at least three reasons.
Tending or Ending a Relationship | The Fearless Heart
One is that we have, in general, so few skills for handling it, and so little experience of conflict serving its fundamental purpose: A related second is that we have largely been trained to address conflict as a mini-war in which there are winners and losers, good guys and bad guys. We tend to polarize and see one or the other of us as being at fault. On a deeper level, I have a sense that one of the pieces that comes into play is not about who the individuals are but about the social context in which we live.
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Fundamentally, we all live in society where human needs are more often not met than met, especially in our early years. We grow up, most of us, deprived around the fundamental longing to have our needs met, at least attended to and taken seriously.
That makes most of us very non-resilient, in that having an experience of unmet needs can be very distressing for us. If we are to have relationships that work, I see it as crucial for us to learn how to be in conflict productively. I learned early on that our nonviolence is tested when our needs are not met.
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We can all be peaceful and loving when everything works exactly the way we want. In that sense, our capacity to engage in conflict largely depends on doing inner work, not on learning so many interpersonal skills. If conflicts can be beneficial, if our needs are fundamentally not at odds with each other, if we can grow stronger in our capacity to handle differences in strategies, why would we ever choose to end a relationship?
I can see the appeal of this question, and why so many of us still somewhere believe that ending a relationship is a kind of failure except in situations such as domestic violence or workplace harassment. Nonetheless, I still want us to have complete choice in the matter, and see a path to making that choice that is fully consistent with care for self and other.
We are finite creatures, with finite resources, and I want to have choice about what I do with my resources. Because of the kind of work I do, I meet and form relationships with many more people than most. I am continually challenged to choose and re-choose which of them I can sustain. When any of these relationships becomes challenging, all the more so.
Given that I operate in ways that are often different from many other people, I find myself in challenging relationships more often than I would ever want anyone to experience. The question arises for me frequently.
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It is especially demanding for me, in part, because I do have the capacity to engage in conflict, and because I do know that conflict and challenge are opportunities for learning and for the possibility of greater closeness. We want to be swept off our feet, yet at the same time remaining safely, independently, standing on our own. We want anything that will give us the illusion of a relationship, without being in an actual relationship. We want all the rewards and none of the risk, all of the payout and none of the cost.
We want to connect — enough, but not too much. We want to commit — a little, but not a lot.
We take it slow: When things get too close to being real, we run. We want to keep the ugly behind the coverup, hide the imperfections with an Instagram filter, choose another episode on Netflix over a real conversation. We feel entitled to love, like we feel entitled to full time jobs out of college.
Tending or Ending a Relationship
Our trophies-for-everyone youth has taught us that if we want something, we deserve it. Our over-watched Disney VHSs taught us true love, soul mates, and happily ever after exist for everyone.
Where is our consolation prize? We want a placeholder, not a person. We want a warm body, not a partner. We want someone to sit on the couch next to us, as we aimlessly scroll through another newsfeed, open another app to distract us from our lives.