Feeling insecure in a relationship can be awful. Although there are some relationship insecurities that are totally normal, others can make you you feel that way or whether it's an internal issue with yourself. Do you scroll through social media and wish your relationship looked like those around you?. If you're thinking about how to get over insecurities in a relationship, the partner — if you feel these issues have stemmed from a past partner. 10 Ways To Get Over Your Relationship Insecurities to what's causing the feeling, you're likely to make the problem worse, Grace says.
Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site.
5 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships
If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email. She never acts as excited to see me when I come home. Why can't it just be like it was in the beginning? The internal investigation continues with, "She takes forever to answer my texts. Doesn't she miss me when I'm gone?
She used to always laugh at my jokes. Do you think she's interested in someone else? I'm away too often. She doesn't think I'm fun anymore. I can't make her happy. There's something wrong with me.
She wants someone better. Chances are, we've actually experienced both. Insecurityas most of us know firsthand, can be toxic to our closest relationships. And while it can bounce back and forth from partner to partner, both the cause of our insecurity and its cure reside in us alone. Unsurprisingly, studies have found that people with low self-esteem have more relationship insecurities, which can prevent them from experiencing the benefits of a loving relationship.
People with low self-esteem not only want their partner to see them in a better light than they see themselves, but in moments of self-doubt, they have trouble even recognizing their partner's affirmations. Moreover, the very acting out of our insecurities can push our partner away, thus creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Because this struggle is so internal and most of the time even independent of circumstances, it's important to deal with our insecurities without distorting or dragging our partner into them. We can do this by taking two steps 1. Uncovering the real roots of our insecurity and 2. Challenging the inner critic that sabotages our relationship.
Where does our insecurity come from? Nothing awakens distant hurts like a close relationship. Our relationships stir up old feelings from our past more than anything else. Our brains are even flooded with the same neurochemical in both situations. We all have working models for relationships that were formed in our early attachments to influential caretakers.
Whatever our early pattern was shapes our adult relationships, a subject I address in more detail in the blog " How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship. A secure attachment pattern helps a person to be more confident and self-possessed. However, when someone has an anxious or preoccupied attachment style, they may be more likely to feel insecure toward their partner. Knowing our attachment style is beneficial, because it can help us to realize ways we may be recreating a dynamic from our past.
It can help us to choose better partners and form healthier relationships, which can actually, in turn, change our attachment style. Finally, it can make us more aware of how our feelings of insecurity may be misplaced, based on something old as opposed to our current situation. Our insecurities can further stem from a " critical inner voice " that we've internalized based on negative programming from our past.
If we had a parent who hated themselves, for example, or who directed critical attitudes toward us, we tend to internalize this point of view and carry it with us like a cruel coach inside our heads. This inner critic tends to be very vocal about the things that really matter to us, like our relationships. Take the example of my friend, mentioned above. First the critical inner voice fueled doubts about his girlfriend's interest in him, then it turned on him.
The second he perceived the situation through the filter of his critical inner voice, which told him his girlfriend was pulling away, his mind flooded with terrible thoughts toward himself. One minute, he was just fine. The next minute, he was listening to an inner voice telling him all the ways he couldn't measure up, that he was being rejected. Relationships shake us up. They challenge core feelings we have about ourselves and evict us from long-lived-in comfort zones. They tend to turn up the volume of our inner voice and reopen unresolved wounds from our past.
If we felt abandoned as a child, the aloof behavior of a romantic partner won't just feel like a current frustration. You will end up spending your entire life hopelessly seeking the right lover and the right friends if you expect them to be perfect.
You yourself are imperfect in many ways, and you seek out relationships with people who are imperfect in complementary ways. Stop judging current relationships based on past ones. Think about those times when you passed an unfair judgment on someone merely because they reminded you of someone from your past who treated you poorly.
Sadly, some people pass judgments like these throughout the entire duration of their long-term relationships. Simply because they were once in a relationship with someone who was abusive, dishonest, or who left them, they respond defensively to everyone else who gets close to them, even though these new relationships have been nothing but kind and supportive.
If you carry old bricks from the failed relationships of your past to your present relationships, you will build the same flawed structures that fell apart before. So if you suspect that you have been making unfair comparisons between your present relationships and a negative one from the past, take a moment and consciously reflect on the hurtful qualities of this old, negative relationship, and then think of all the ways your present relationships differ.
This small exercise will help you let go of the old bricks and remind you that past pains are not indicative of present possibilities. Inventing problems in our mind and then believing them is a clear path to self-sabotage. Too often we amuse ourselves with anxious predictions, deceive ourselves with negative thinking, and ultimately live in a state of hallucination about worst-case scenarios.
We overlook everything but the plain, downright, simple, honest truth. When you invent problems in your relationships, your relationships ultimately suffer. Insecurity is often the culprit. The insecure passenger does not trust anyone else to drive.
Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships
They feel out of control. They imagine that the driver is not paying attention.3 Mindset Shifts To STOP Relationship Anxiety
Or they may even fantasize that the slight jolting of the driver stepping on the breaks is a sign of doom via an impending collision. They freak themselves out by assuming that the visions they have invented in their mind represents reality.
What you need to realize is that there are normal idiosyncrasies to any relationship. There are ups and downs and mood changes, moments of affection and closeness and moments of friction.
Getting Over Relationship Insecurity
These ups and downs are normal. Wanting to be absolutely close and intimate all the time is like wanting to be a passenger in a car that has no driver.
Read The Road Less Traveled. Stop focusing on the negatives. Imperfection, however, is real and beautiful. The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations.