How to Cope With a Master Manipulator | The Recovery Expert
Apr 25, Just as healing physical whiplash requires avoiding activities that might in their recovery from relationships with manipulative personalities. It takes a long time to recover from an abusive and controlling relationship. Being monitored, isolated, stalked and abused leave their mark. Below are. Oct 11, Toxic Relationships: Recovering From a Narcissist. Updated on October . with other people. The reality of her manipulation finally set me free.
I needed to appreciate my real value so that I could turn away toxic people and not look back. Narcissists Have No Remorse Waiting for a narcissist to change in to a decent human being is like waiting to spot a unicorn. I spent two years hoping she would change. My self-esteem was in tatters. At the time, I was unable to disconnect from this soul-crushing relationship.
In truth, there are usually many defining moments, but we tune them out. We were in the process of a breakup. The problem with a narcissist is that making a clean break is almost impossible. There a are a lucky few that are strong enough to do it - but mostly, by the time a break up is on the horizon, the partner of a narcissist is has been so beaten down psychologically they are unable to move. Around the time we were attempting to break up, my ex narcissist decided to have a holiday party and invite a circle of acquaintances we both knew.
Even though I was tired from a long school year, I decided to surprise my ex -narcissist by putting in a surprise appearance at the party. It was a two-hour trip by train in sub-zero cold, but I was ready for a fun night and was willing to brave public transportation and the elements. I bought a nice bottle of liquor and a box of cookies and embarked on the trek. I arrived with my gifts and a big smile on my face, ready for a good time.
When I arrived, my ex took one look at me, and I knew immediately that something was wrong. My stomach knotted up. She looked at me like I was a homeless drunk who had just crashed her party. She ran into the other room to hide behind her guests. I spent the next half hour milling around trying to figure out what to do with myself.
I could not remember when I felt more uncomfortable, or awkward. I had been part of her life and welcome in her home for two years.
Suddenly, I was an unwelcome intruder. She actually stood in her living room with her back to me the entire time I was there. It finally occurred to me that another partygoer was a person of interest to my ex.
Toxic Relationships: Recovering From a Narcissist
Before our relationship was even over, she had already picked out my replacement. It's all about the narcissist. They are unable to form healthy attachments with other human beings. So even though they may say they are in love, they always have their eye out for the next best thing. And there is always a next best thing. The narcissist is incapable of settling down with one partner. Even if they are in what appears to be a committed marriage - rest assured they are dabbling on the side.
They are consummate entertainers looking for devoted groupies. They are always on stage performing their one man, or one woman, show — because it really is all about them. If there is the opportunity to get more attention and adoration from a potential love interest, the narcissist will take it. Anyone who thinks that their narcissist is capable of being faithful is fooling himself, or herself.
They are always on the lookout for something better no matter what they say to the contrary. When I realized I was not welcome at the party, I remember grabbing my coat, calling a cab to the train station and standing outside in the freezing cold. My emotions kept cycling through numb, horrified and heartbroken. I felt like I was in a bad soap opera — standing in the freezing cold, sobbing over someone who had never been worth my time or energy from the very beginning.
In that moment, I felt like the biggest fool on the planet. I vowed, in that moment, that this was really the last time. I would never attract, or be attracted to, someone this disturbed again.
She came running outside before my cab pulled up.
Recognizing and Healing from Manipulative Relationships: Art of Connection | Dr. Julie Hanks
She was already in the market for her next conquest. I stared at her in disbelief through my tears. I knew that was the last time I would ever set foot in her house. She gave one last big hug, handed me a tissue to dry my tears and put me in the cab. It never occurred to her that her behavior was abnormal. In her world, my part in her little play had ended. I was merely an extra who was no longer needed on the scene.
She called and emailed for three days. I refused to respond. What disturbed me the most was the fact that she actually thought I would return to spend time with her after my private, and public, humiliation. We continued to stay sporadically in touch after the nightmarish party scene.
She kept trying to explain behavior that was unexplainable. I still harbored a slim hope that she would somehow miraculously change into a caring, compassionate person.
Manipulators like to feel in control.6 Steps to Emotional Healing after Narcissistic Abuse
They do NOT like it if someone else tries to manipulate them, but hate it even more when someone tries to manipulate someone they felt they had control over. If you begin a relationship with a manipulative person and they realize someone in your life who is not supportive of them, they will begin to cause tension between you and that person. They will do this strategically. They will plant small seeds of frustration so that you believe it is actually your idea to distance yourself.
They will often use ideas of "you deserve better". Of course, what they mean is that they are "better". They will often say things like "I am really easy going" or "I don't care". Manipulators use this tactic to keep targets off of their back.
If a manipulator presents themselves as being easy going, then it becomes very difficult for people to blame them for manipulation. A "go with the flow" type person doesn't care enough to try to control someone else.
Manipulative people can say they are laid back; however, manipulators have a very difficult time controlling themselves if their control begins to be challenged. Watch out for this.
This may seem like a reach, but let me tell you. The need to manipulate and the need to control people and circumstances comes from fear. They fear that if they aren't in control, then something may happen to them that they aren't prepared for. The control gives them a false sense of security; however, it should never take controlling another person to make a person feel secure. The best skill that a manipulator has is their presentation.
How to Cope With a Master Manipulator
Nothing is said without thought. It is all part of the "presentation". Manipulators are very careful to not let people see ugly parts of themselves.
You will find yourself defending them and even describing them in ways that aren't reality. No one wants to be alone or rejected. They will use their presentation skills to appear perfect so that people will love them. A manipulator will always have a response when someone rejects them. There most certainly will be a level of retaliation.
They will use their skill to show others why that person is not worthy of love. When distancing yourself from a controlling relationship, be sure that you do so wisely and in a way that does not put you in harm. Reach out for help and support. But there is a catch. Surprisingly, one of the most common ways that manipulators manipulate is to convince people that a choice was their choice all along.
Manipulators can be some of the most supportive friends in the world A manipulator struggles when they feel out of control; even a simple change of course that they didn't see coming can cause them stress. In a healthy relationship a true friend will support you to make your own choices. Even if they disagree with you, they should not try to control you. No amount of vulnerability, begging, hoping, pleading can get a person to live an honest life. The only person who can choose to do so is them.