Ending relationship with bpd

ending relationship with bpd

"The person with a borderline personality is impulsive in areas that have a potential for self-destruction. Relationships with others are intense and unstable. A young woman living with borderline personality disorder (BPD) describes how her disorder led to a suicide attempt after her first breakup. In a relationship with a person suffering with the traits of Borderline For your partner to revitalize their end of the relationship, they would need.

My emotions became too much to handle, and I began lashing out. Similar to my fourth-grade diary entries, I posted troubling rants on a fake Instagram account as a way to channel my rage and grief over his rejection. I wrote about killing myself.

That fear encouraged me to lash out even more, creating a vicious cycle of self-destruction.

ending relationship with bpd

I was ashamed of the things I was saying and doing, but it felt like I had no control over my body or mind. I was delusional, hoping my emotional confessions would somehow be passed on to him and make him feel guilty and sorry for me.

Unfortunately, my downward spiral did end up getting me in trouble.

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Friends I thought I could trust twisted my words and made false accusations about me. They told my ex, as well as his parents, I did things I never actually did. After all that, I finally snapped.

I was hurt that people actually believed the things I was accused of doing. How could my ex, who knew me better than anyone else, believe I was capable of doing those things?

I felt like my reputation was ruined.

ending relationship with bpd

I looked like the bad guy. I can never be happy again. No one will ever love me. I was too sedated at that point to respond to the paramedic, but I wanted to tell her I do care about people; in fact, I care too much about other people, and that is exactly why I ended up in the back of that ambulance. I just thought no one cared about me. My time at the psychiatric hospital following the attempt was actually a turning point for me. It was a necessary wake-up call. I finally got the help I desperately needed.

I deserved to live. I deserved to be happy. I deserved to be with someone who treated me with love and respect. If you ever cared about someone, you would never treat them with such disrespect and cruelty. It takes time, therapy, the right medication and a lot of hard work. Therapy will help you deal with the emotional abuse characteristic of relationships with BPD, and provide a safe and assuring environment in which to talk over your feelings about the partner.

How BPD Makes a Breakup Feel Like the End of the World | The Mighty

You may also learn ways of coping and reacting to the disorder that shield both you and your partner. Question the therapist beforehand about their knowledge of BPD; the disorder is not so widely known that you can assume they are familiar with its particular issues. If your partner is in therapy, tell their therapist about your intention of leaving. An ethical therapist will NOT tell your partner of your intent, but can help prepare them for the event, easing not only your departure, but also your ex-partner's reaction to the change.

There are many legal ramifications of leaving your own home, or forcing an abusive partner to leave a shared home. If you are not legally married, you may not have the normal court protections. Lawyers are also useful in discussing such issues as possible restraining orders.

If you are planning divorce it is very important that you make legal moves carefully before you make your intentions known to your partner. There is also the possibility of counter-lawsuits from the abandoned party against which you may have to defend yourself. Since laws vary from state to state, and country to country, and you may find conflicting advice from friends and family over these laws, give full weight to your lawyer's advice.

Document as fully as you can the abusive actions of your partner! Keep a diary of strange behavior. This will be valuable evidence in case authorities "do not believe you" or if the person with BPD makes false accusations or blames you for the breakup.

Given that BPD behavior is more commonly witnessed by the partner, while the person with BPD may act normally in front of others, you may need backup to your claims of abusive behaviors as others may not believe you. You may also find that referring to your documentation strengthens your resolve to leave.

Take all your personal posessions with you when you leave You do not want to be "held hostage" to personal items that you may want to retrieve later; you may even find them missing or destroyed. Once again, consult a lawyer over the legal ramifications of abandoning or taking mutual property. Instead of taking everything at once, you may decide to move individual items one at a time, especially personal items, or those useful in an independent living situation or "sudden exit".

Be careful, however, not to tip off your partner of your intention of leaving by removing everything at once, or obvious items that suggest you are leaving. Do not prematurely tell the person with BPD that you are leaving!

Breakup with BPD

It will backfire as a threat due, once again, to the sometimes extreme reactions of the disorder. Because people with BPD tend to "act out" their disorder more around people they know, you will be inhibiting that behavior by having strangers around you.

Friends may volunteer their help, but you are better off paying for a moving company to aid you -- this not only makes the move happen quickly, it also furnishes strangers who can witness any bad reactions. A BPD person caught off-guard, in the presence of strangers, and during a sudden, quickly-occurring move, is safer than a BPD person who has had time to prepare their response! Let both your workplace AND the police know about your impending departure ahead of time.

As abandoned BPDs may start a "smear" campaign against you -- they may even call the police on YOU -- this helps to short-circuit that attempt. Have your documentation of the abusive behavior at hand. Police may be puzzled why you are still in the abusive situation, and think you simply need an escort back to the premises to pick up your stuff, so make them very aware that the real danger with BPD is not so much in the staying, but the act of leaving! Have them arrive shortly before the movers to either witness as strangers, or to talk to the BPD partner and warn them about doing anything rash.

Remember, as a taxpayer, you have the right to ask for a police escort at any time. If they are having an affair, DO NOT have an affair yourself, as you may find the reaction much greater than you anticipated especially from one who is indulging in the same behavior!

Likewise, you may find any distrust of you turned into material for a "smear" campaign as listed above. Due to the nature of BPD, you may be "hoovered" at the time of leaving or afterwards. This means your partner will suddenly be on their best behavior in an attempt to suck you back into the relationship. Keep in mind the cycle of their behavior; even when things return to "good", they will also return to "bad", and the fear of abandonment may make the "bad" even worse when it returns!

To guard against the "hoover", you may want to NOT leave a forwarding address or phone number.

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If you MUST do so, leave the number of a "neutral" third party, such as your lawyer or a mutual friend who can screen what is a reasonable and what is an abusive request. Concentrate on the "right now" Instead of letting all the preparation overwhelm you, make a list, and follow it one step at a time.

Unless there is the real threat of physical violence, you have all the time you need to prepare. Always be aware that the time shortly before and after leaving may be the most dangerous period of all.

As people with BPD are very sensitive to being abandoned, they may increase their strange or abusive behavior beforehand or afterwards, and even exhibit symptoms you have not yet seen, such as suicidal gestures or threats against your person or belongings.

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These are specific actions or items to consider or do as you move out: Once again, take everything you rightfully own with you.

Even if the person with BPD expresses a desire for you to leave, they may still latch upon your remaining possessions as a "hostage" in an attempt to keep you in contact. Or, they may rage against the departure and destroy or throw away any item that reminds them of you. Since some people with BPD have trouble "remembering how they feel" about other people, they may show a strong unwillingness to part with items that remind them of their partner.

Even people with BPD who want you to leave may be tense or, possibly, temporarily psychotic as you pack. If you can, pack and move when they are not present. If you are unsure whether they will be present or not, have strangers on hand as a means of keeping the BPD in check people with BPD who cannot control their rages in front of you may sometimes show remarkable restraint in the presence of strangers.

Once again, as a citizen you have the right to request a police escort in or out of a potentially abusive situation -- use it! Do not linger after packing or make much of your going. This may only increase the stress of the BPD partner and thereby cause a rage or short psychotic episode. It will not do your stress any good either. As noted before, you may want to avoid leaving your new address or even phone number behind with the BPD partner.

ending relationship with bpd

This lessens the chance of their playing upon your own ambivalence about the move and courting you back into the abusive relationship, or of venting their anger on you later. If you must stay in contact, call them from a safe place, or leave a third party's phone number behind as the mediator. Do not meet alone, either, if you must, but have an outside observer, preferably a stranger-to-the-BPD, on hand. Those with shared children may still need to maintain some contact. In this situation, keep the conversations strictly on the topic of the children, and if the former partner starts getting personal about your relationship, cut the conversation short.

The same advice goes for e-mail; if it gets personal, send a short, concise message back, then delete the offending e-mail. Send unofficial postal letters back, "return to sender", and unopened; or, if your attorney has asked you for documentation, you might consider forwarding all mail unopened to your attorney. If you have left your home to get away from the BPD, you will find plenty to do! Settling in elsewhere, making new friends, telling family members and others about your transition, etc.

Be aware that things don't magically "get better" the moment you are out the door. Some common experiences related afterwards by people who have left a person with BPD include: A period of time in which a lot of the anxiety and tension from the experience will well up and seemingly overwhelm you.

You may be experiencing post traumatic stress disorder PTSDor you may simply find that you have been "hyper-vigilant" for so long that it is almost a habit!

ending relationship with bpd

Be aware that these feelings will slowly subside; continue therapy if possible. Expect to feel exhausted; take care of yourself and rest. These dreams may go away, only to crop up much later. Know that this is normal; use dreams as useful tools to analyze your reaction to the stressful events that triggered them. You may even gauge your progress by how the bad dreams are fading.

Did you do the right thing?

ending relationship with bpd

How is that person with BPD doing? Am I BPD too? Remember that you may have acquired such BPD traits as projection by merely being in contact with the disorder; a therapist will help you straighten out any feelings of doubt about these issues.

Your partner functioned without you before you met them -- as did you!