Telling your partner, "I'm fine" when you're not is one of the least-fine ways to communicate in a relationship (even though many people are. When the person you love is passive-aggressive, emotional honesty and you find yourself constantly questioning whether to stay in the relationship, but you're . What do we mean when we say that a person is passive-aggressive? This behavior happens when a person is very angry at you, but he is.
Not in this house.
Over the course of my 35 years working in Santa Monica as a marriage and family therapist, and teacher of anger-management classes, I developed some specific tips for coping with passive aggression.
Passive aggression is a learned behavior that can be unlearned. When the passive-aggressive person is you, then you need to take the same steps and remind yourself that it is a behavior that you have the power to change.
What to do in the heat of the moment When passive aggression emerges in the middle of a conflict, here are seven steps to take. Attempting to begin a dialogue when one or both of you are in a very negative headspace will cause the person who behaves passive-aggressively to shut down or to escalate the situation.
Take a minute to chill out and calm down before approaching each other and the issue.People Being Passive Aggressive: Why and How to Deal With It
Instead, ask your partner how he or she feels. The work of being in a successful relationship takes two people.
As often as possible, come up with ideas for solutions to your issues together. Make your list of options as long and as wide-ranging as possible. List pros and cons. The best solution is the one where both of you win the most and lose the least. Take your win-win solution and execute it. You become aware that your partner is giving you one word answers, only speaking where absolutely necessary, not initiating conversation or banter in the normal way of things.
Define Passive Aggressive Behavior - Examples in Marriage and Relationships | PairedLife
They are aggrieved about something and will not simply voice it but use silent treatment to punish you rather than talking about differences with a view to understanding each other and working towards a compromise or solution. Alas, sulking and withdrawing comes very naturally to PA people.
Sometimes they will tell you what they are angry about but thereafter they stay angry perhaps even angry at themselves because they veered from their usual path of keeping you in the dark as to why they are at odds with you. The problem here is that most everyone is unreasonable or passive aggressive to some degree on the odd occasion, and so this is an effective way for a PA person to redirect the focus of the discussion.
Passive aggression become overly problematic depending upon the frequency and depth of the behavior together with the constant underlying anger and resentment. This leads to deep seated unhappiness and sorrow in marriage and relationships. Beginnings and Consequences Some passive aggressive people may have no idea they are so difficult to live with.
Others are deliberate in their manipulative endeavours and know exactly how to get their own way. In any case, they generally have no knowledge of when, or why, they defaulted to this behaviour. It is likely that the root of this personality trait lies in childhood when, feeling overwhelmed by a disciplinarian or authority figure, a person develops methods of surreptitiously getting back at those who have power over them in ways which are covert or hidden, so as not to directly provoke further chastisement or rebuke.
How Passive-Aggressive Behavior Wrecks Relationships
In a long term relationship recurrent PA conduct has a very detrimental and negative impact on the couple and any children. Getting revenge on a PA partner may give fleeting respite but, for the long term, resorting to antagonistic tit for tat antics cannot help any relationship. Responding to a Passive Aggressive Partner Fathoming how to best react is a challenge indeed.
As alluded to above, the urge to act out in a like minded fashion should be resisted but endless passive acceptance doesn't help either.
Reflect on your usual response and also assess whether or not you have drifted into the habit of allowing feelings of overwhelm to wear you down to the point where you silence, restrict or constantly second guess yourself. Over time, without realising it, partners of passive aggressives may comply with the dictates of their partner without question. When this happens, to save your sanity, it helps to take back control of yourself and to resolve to refuse to be so intimidated.
Carefully choose your battles and then plainly and concisely have your say and speak your truth in a measured manner. Even though your partner disapproves of such forthrightness and may punish you with their crazy making games, there comes a time when you need to take a stand.
As much as your passive aggressive partner may drive you to distraction, when countering them, constructive criticism trumps ranting any day.
Define Passive Aggressive Behavior - Examples in Marriage and Relationships
Even if ultimately they are unable or unwilling to concede anything at all, at least you know you took the best approach. Silent Manipulation The results of the survey near the start of this article reveal that silent treatment is a significant problem in these types of relationships and so learning how to conquer fear of silent treatment, and better cope with it, can be a central first step to increased peace of mind.
Are you intent on making your partner change their behaviour? Don't Waste Your Time As far as change is concerned, the one and only person you can change is yourself.
It's crucial to fully accept that you cannot make your PA partner mend their ways.