Should I settle for him? Where does the line between a great and a good-enough relationship lie? One woman asks, and our answer guru calls. Most folks would tell you that if you are already asking yourself, "am I settling?" then you are—and that you shouldn't. But what happens if the vision that you. Because of this belief, we “settle” with the first person who shows interest. So what do we do when we're in a relationship where we believe.
Your Ability to Compromise Settling: When you tell him something is important to you or you bring up how he can meet your needs, he brushes your concerns aside or completely ignores them. He responds positively to what you need. He is flexible and willing to compromise. Although he might not follow through right away according to your timeline, he shows consistently that he takes action in the areas that are important to you. Your Gut Instinct Settling: You frequently feel anxious.
You feel insecure in the relationship—where you stand, how he feels, etc. You feel a sense of peace. Sometimes people mistake this as there being something wrong or missing with the relationship, but this means you moved toward the attachment phase of your relationship. Your Overall Interactions Settling: You have intermittent great times. You consistently have good times together.
The positives of your relationship far outweigh the negative. Your Social Circle Settling: Your family and friends like him.
Or maybe the thought of getting back into the dating pool makes you want to vomit. You want him for him. Not only do you deeply love this man, but you can rattle off all of his amazing traits. Yes it's true, realistically it will require some compromises to include your partner into your plans, but no loving companion would demand to give up your goals and aspirations.
Sometimes you have to take the back seat, that's being realistic.
Relationship Problems: Are You Settling in a Relationship? | Shape Magazine
But never being supported in your ideas and goals is settling for the wrong guy. Probably one of the biggest reasons to settle is the fear of being alone. You should never prioritize being in a relationship over the quality of that relationship or a potential partner. Researchers found that fearful participants in bad relationships were just as depressed and lonely as fearful participants who were single.
Ergo, settling doesn't change how you feel, just adds a stressful load to it. Being alone is not a bad thing. Being single means freedom, the time to take care of yourself.
Sometimes it's more important to be able to be at ease with yourself before you let another person in. In my practice I often hear women say that their man is not making them happy anymore. Well, we all are responsible for our own happiness.
The main part has to come from within. Don't count on another person to find joy. We call that co-dependency. If you settle for an entangled relationship instead of a healthy one, it will stand in the way of your happiness.
After my first husband died it felt like my life was over. I thought that I was too old to find somebody new. I thought nobody would want me, and having a child would make it extra difficult. However I learned through experience that there is a market for every age. In life we get more chances then we think. I have a great new husband, with values that match mine, an awesome conversation partner, and a wonderful father for my daughter.
So never panic and settle for less than you deserve. It is giving up on the fullest life I am capable of leading, choosing instead to lead a lesser version. I tell myself I am living my best life possible, but when I am honest, I am not. At every turn I am leaving huge pieces on the table, huge pieces of myself. I walk quietly, tiptoeing around what I love to do. I dip an occasional pinky toe into new areas, but for the most part, I let myself stagnate. I think settling is the necessary glue that is holding my world together.
But the truth is, it is actually the very thing that is holding me back from truly living. Settling, in my relationships, in my career, in how I know myself, puts a cap on my life. In this place I do not grow, I stop caring to learn about myself, I give up. I had a difficult time at first, writing about settling.
I had to get honest with myself. I looked at my life under a microscope, and staring back at me were numerous ways I was giving myself a lesser life. And then, I allowed myself to see all the wonderful areas I have reenaged in my life. Areas like dating, where I am giving myself the fullest experience of me. Places I am choosing me at every turn. This is where I am no longer settling. I began to appreciate how rewarding my hard work has been- taking me from a place of compliance, and moving me into a place of genuine excitement and growth in life.
All by choosing me. When I let go of settling, I choose to put myself and my growth first. I am motivated to push myself into new areas, I hold myself accountable, and I make supportive choices.
I find out who I really am, and in turn, I become the person I am meant to be. Being realistic is also letting go of my fantasies, fantasies that create expectations that hold me back from being a satisfied person and a loving partner. Instead, I take responsibility for my happiness and work on changing the only thing I can change- myself. Being realistic is opening up my eyes, looking around, and being OK with what I see. This does not mean my life is perfect.
Perfection is a fantasy. Fantasy is a lens that blurs my reality. Fantasies create unrealistic expectations of how my life should be, including the people in it, that have no basis in reality.
As a woman, I have let my fantasies create expectations that can never be met, especially by a man.
I have expected a man to make me happy for a lifetime, when the only person that can provide me with happiness is myself. I have expected a man to know what I was thinking and feeling at all times, without having to communicate.
I can never have a healthy, realistic, relationship with a man if I hold onto my fantasies. If I do, I want a life that is not possible, with a partner that does not exist. Being realistic is knowing what to expect in a relationship, and allowing my partner to be a man.
It is up to me to choose to love and accept my life and to dive in. When I accept my life, without conditions, I learn to love and accept myself- exactly as I am.
Make sure to be confident that you deserve an amazing relationship. If you find that you struggle with this, do things to remind yourself that you are operating on a false belief. Remind yourself that you do deserve a satisfying, meaningful relationship.
It can also be beneficial to do things to build self-esteem and confidence. Set yourself up in the mindset that will help you not settle. Be willing to go outside your original expectation.Signs You're Staying in the Wrong Relationship // Amy Young
Generally, people have an idea of the type of person they will end up with. Included in this are things about their personality, looks, career, etc.
Therefore, it is important not be too rigid in what you are looking for. In these cases, ask yourself if in reality this difference creates problems. You might be surprised to see that much of the time the answer is no. The most amazing relationship can be different from your expectations.
Make sure you are willing to be open-minded and not closed off to this. Remember perfection does not exist. Even the healthiest, most satisfying relationships will have some problems. Too many times, people strive for perfection, but that is unrealistic. Make sure not to hold yourself back by doing this. Give equal thought to what you like about the relationship as you do the problems. This will help you more easily tap into what is best for you.
Settling for average could be the key to a happy relationship
It just leads to feeling unhappy in the relationship. At the same time, pushing out your concerns and only focusing on the good things gives a skewed perception. That mindset can lead to settling. Making sure to think about both ends of the spectrum will give you the perspective needed to make an informed decision about if you are being realistic or settling.
Communicate with your partner. All relationships take work. As mentioned above, all will have conflict at one point or another. Giving the relationship your best shot by communicating and working on the conflict allows you to see if things can really work or not. It gets very blurry if you just get in your own head and spend time questioning if you are settling. You get answers by acting. Therefore, it is important to try and communicate to see how that impacts things. Everyone has an innate intuition that guides what is best for them.
The trouble is that it can be very hard to tap into it. The above tips will help you better hear what your gut is telling you, but then you have to make sure you are listening. Trust yourself, know that you have answers and clarity will come. When I do, it usually means that I am selling myself short. And when I sell myself short in other words settling for something less than what I need or think I deservesooner or later I end up feeling cheated, angry and resentful.
Here are some signs that you might be settling for less than what you need, desire or what is healthy in a relationship: When you are with someone that you are not deeply attracted to, you justify: Well, attraction can grow with time. Maybe their other qualities will substitute for a lack of physical attraction on my part. When you are with someone who is emotionally unavailable, you tell yourself: Some people have problems expressing their feelings.
So, with my help, they will open up. When you are with someone who has a dodgy relationship history — a pattern of short-term relationships and messy breakups — you think: Maybe with the right partner methey might see how good a relationship can be. Maybe with the right partner methey might get motivated and find their direction in life. When you are with someone who has trouble meeting their commitments and obligations in life, you might reflect: Besides, I can help them meet their responsibilities.
When you are with someone who is in active addiction, you tell yourself: Maybe with the right partner methey might stop using and abusing their substance. No one is flawless. Maybe your new love is not the perfect physical specimen.
But this person is good. This person is decent. This person can express their love and appreciation of you. This person is a listener. This person is open and honest. This person is fully adult and fulfils their responsibilities honorably. And with each passing day, your love for them deepens and your appreciation of them grows along with the physical attraction.
Now, if that is settling, bring it on. They almost always report that they witnessed one or more outbursts or temper tantrums before they got married which continued to increase afterwards. They went ahead with the marriage thinking that they were being too picky, or feeling they should give the guy a pass because everyone has a bad day once in a while.
They settled for surface traits rather than deeper qualities. Surface qualities such as good looks, charm, a glib conversationalist, and super protectiveness can be delightful in a date, but can hide a narcissistic personality.
In recent surveys, women have listed a variety of qualities that they would want in a partner: Honesty, consideration, kindness, dependability, appreciation, respect, a sense of security, and unconditional love. Almost every guy will have these qualities some of the time. Does your guy have them consistently, even when the situation is difficult? Can you depend on him to be level-headed and helpful in a crisis?
A life-long relationship will have many ups and downs, do you see him as being able to compromise and work together as a team? Consider if you would want to spend your life dealing with these reactions. What if those behaviors get worse or more frequent? The deeper you get into a relationship, the more stresses you will have to face together.